I enjoy reading biographies of godly lives. I’m currently reading Charles’ Spurgeon
again. I am inspired most by
ones that are walking so close to the Lord that they could share new insights,
lessons, etc… every day. Jesus
taught this way daily living life, sharing and teaching constantly. I was encouraged to read that one thing
Charles loved, as did his audience, was his fresh teaching that was learned in
his own life and then shared that day with his audience.
Charles stated, “What I had gathered that day I handed to
the villagers that evening. I
always found it good to say my lesson when I had learned it. Children do; it is equally good for
preachers, especially if they say their lesson from heart.”
My family would be the greatest testimony to my daily
lessons as they are often discussed and shared amongst dinners. If I had time I would write daily too..
but for now I’ll give you this one.
Brea just had all four of her wisdom teeth out. I knew it would be intense but I had no
idea how the Lord would teach me through it all.
I drove Brea up to Vernon (about 50 min away) for her
surgery that morning. She had laid
awake a lot the night before, a bit stressed but was talking to the Lord about
it. We both prayed on the way up in
the car.
Many patients were coming in and out of the waiting room,
sedated but not fully out, which left for quite interesting observations; all
very different. I witnessed,
emotional ones, angry ones, calm ones, tougher ones… it was interesting. Then it was Brea’s turn. We were having fun with it of course
and laughing as her own sedation started to kick in.
Then it was time.
The doctor had gotten to know me a bit and we were having pleasant
conversations, he said I could stay in the operating room if I wanted. I agreed thinking I could handle
it. Brea had now fallen asleep.
He started to cut away, blood, drills, even crazy popping
noises as he literally pulled the tooth out. (That was grouse actually. ) The doctor was still totally engaged in dialogue with me so
now I wanted to pick his brain.
(Yes.. you know me… lol)
I began to talk about the previous patient and how he was so
angered and had to be cooled off in a separate room. I was so intrigued at how this sedation in essence, almost
took down all their mental guard and left their soul pretty bare to what was
really in it. He looked at me
shocked that I had perceived that but right away confirmed it.
“Yes. You have
no idea the stuff I see. It’s so
interesting. When that filter is
removed you see what is really in there.
It’s often the really quiet, shy ones that have a lot buried in
there. Sometimes I’ll hear about
deep sadness and hurt, even abuse, sometimes anger and aggression.”
I commented on the young man previously to which he
confirmed was the case. He went on
to say, “BUT that doesn’t come remotely close to one guy that literally bent
the steel door frame and we had to call for Emergency. “ His assisting nurse shook her head with
the same shocked look to confirm as he recalled that time.
(I wondered in my mind if that person didn’t have a
demon??)
Then he cut and drilled some more. I could now see blood on the surrounding cloths. I was ok still, knowing Brea was out of
it… but THEN… as I sat near her feet I saw her lift her leg couple times so her
foot would rise up. I knew
as it paralleled his pulling with a wrench, that she was feeling that. My heart stopped for a brief moment and
I wanted to tell them to stop…. But I couldn’t. I wanted to take her pain… but I couldn’t. I could feel it in her …. My eyes
filled instantly with tears … her foot raised again….
“Sorry…. I need to leave I can see it’s hurting her and I
just can’t bear it …. My baby…. I’ll be right outside the door if you need me.”
The doctor was somewhat taken by surprise. For instantly his inquisitive scholar
had now become putty with a flood of emotional tenderness as she empathized for
a daughter he could tell, she adored.
I came back in, as he was finishing up. The nurse was wiping her mouth and
cheeks stained of blood. I sat
myself next to Brea’s head as she was still so out of it. I gently touched her hair, and said in
a gentle tone, “It’s ok baby… it’s all done now. You did so great.”
Instantly despite being so out of it, the sound of my voice was
what she knew and she turned toward me with her mouth all stuffed of clips and
bandages. Her eyes opened and she
looked deep into mine. So deep as
nothing I’ve ever seen from her before.
Instantly I could feel her pain and her longing through her look… like
she was telling me how much it hurt and I responded, “It’s ok baby… it’s ok. I
know… I know… “ I confirmed what I could feel in her and she started to
cry. Expressionless in her face,
but overflowing from her soul. I
choked back my own tears and comforted her, keeping her focused on the fact
that she was done.
She feel back asleep and then we got her in the car to take
her home. My heart was so heavy
for my baby… I felt so helpless for her.
I just wanted to take the pain and hurt away from my gentle, sweet
Brea.
As she lied back in her seat in the car it was finally just
the two of us. I held her hand as
I drove and told her to just try to go to sleep. I could tell she wanted to talk but just couldn’t. I looked in her eyes again. They were talking to me, again.
“I know baby… I know… “ I audibly spoke what she was saying
with her eyes.
“It was really hard.
I know you could feel a lot of it.” Then her eyes spilled tears… countless tears.
“It’s ok baby… It’s ok.” Then I started bawling. Even now writing this I’m filling up again. Then she squeezes my hands and sat up a
bit, looked at me and with her mouth full of gauze awkwardly whimpered, “Thank
you”…
I responded, “ Baby it’s ok… my goodness…” I started crying again, shocked she was
THANKING ME. Then she sat up
again….”I ….. love…….you.” She
whimpered with all she had and then we both just cried together….
“Sweetie” I choked in bewilderment and shock…”I love you
too… so much”. Then she fell back
to sleep.
As I sat for the entire car ride in complete silence, my own
heart so tender, I could hear the Lord teaching me.
My heart had never ached in this way, to see my adult child
endure such pain and then to look so deeply in her eyes and see the depth of
her soul. Instantly I was brought
to the tender sorrowful time through excruciating pain that Jesus’ own mother
stood at the foot of the cross of her beloved son and the exchange of looks
they would’ve had as he endured such horrific pain, his whole body bleeding and
there was nothing she could do.
And then to see Him with hardly a breath left, look at her and lovingly say
how he wanted her to be cared for by his best friend and his best friend to
become me, “your son”.
I KNOW Jesus looked at his mom… and I KNOW his mom looked in
his eyes in that moment. The eyes
that had so readily exchanged glances but in this time his soul was so bare
that what Mary saw in that moment as his flesh suffered, I KNOW she would never
have forgotten.
I say this because I will never forget the look that Brea
and I exchanged as she lied on the operating table. Ever. I can’t
even fully give it the right words.
I wondered that night if it was something that I would simply, like
Mary, ponder in my heart and Brea might never fully know it all.
But then the next morning, right when Brea had woken up she
came quietly and gently to me in the kitchen, just the two of us. She put her arms so tender and lovingly
around me and really held me. (Deeper
than she normally does.) And then
she whispered to me, “I really love you mom. Thanks for sharing this with me.” And she just held me.
There was indeed a tenderness in each of our souls of deep love that we
both felt. I’m not sure we will
ever be able to fully describe it and yet it is so precious to both of us. It’s one thing to recognize the eyes
and yet it’s a whole other thing to really KNOW the look. And we just stood there in the kitchen
in each other’s arms.
***
Lord, I am mesmerisphed by what I do not see and all the
soul and spirit doth hath within a person. Please continue to teach me more on this. Thank you for teaching me today by
allowing me to share in the fellowship of your suffering. For no text book could’ve shown me such
a tangible sense. And Lord above
all… as Brea held me.. I can’t wait to hold you and embrace you soul to soul
for all you suffered on behalf of me.
May I carry around your death within me, oh that my soul would be
motivated by unseen things of eternity and pleasing you above all. For it is YOUR LOOK one day I shall
behold.
c
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