Behind HIS Wheel

Here I am enroute back from Haiti, driving from Vancouver to Kelowna, alone in my car as I seem to have been plagued with the same virus some of our kids did from Haiti.  I leave my family there to enjoy the family celebration of my mother in laws 70^th  not wanting to risk spreading it to anyone else.  My daughter holds me to say goodbye and I can’t stop crying in her embrace.  I feel so weak, so sick and just needing to get home to my bed.  It’s been weeks.

As I sit in the car and listen to worship music I just continue to bawl, feeling so utterly broken in so many ways.  I feel as if I can’t stop.  Similar to the way I tell my fitness classes to exhale every ounce of stale breath until your lungs are completely empty THEN proceed to inhale… I sense the parallel with my own spirit being completely poured out. 

“What’s wrong with me?”  I wonder.  “What is it?”  Is it that I finally can be true to my own soul now, having completed the task of leading and protecting our group into the unknown world of Haiti?  Is it the sadness I feel for the poor and the Haitian kids -prisoners to their country, when we gallivant and roam freely in luxuries of kings and queens. Why was I born here in Canada? Or am I just so forlorn with my own selfishness and how I can complain about everything, when I really have nothing to complain about.  I contemplate the frailty of my own life.  How poured out I feel and how weak.  Feeling so vulnerable at this time, I have nothing to give and all I can do is cry. 

And then I just begin to pour my heart to the Lord.  Confessing my own selfishness and pride, hating our sinful nature and wanting to step out of it, to be used more for Him, for His glory.  Realizing the less I hold to anything here; clinging to worthless idols, the more I become free to be used powerfully by the hand of God.  Instantly my human thoughts are fearful and think, “People will take advantage of you and use you”… and yet I feel His Spirit through me, diffusing that with, “Do it unto Me (God) and you will never worry about how they react or behave for you will be more caught up with my sheer delight in your obedience.” 

He’s right.  I feel Him so close to me as we drive through the mountains in deep fellowship, my heart so tender to Him.  He then reminds me of how He was the “manna from heaven; the true bread of life”.  And I just had this picture of the way Haitians would flock to one who had food or water in desperate need.  And how the Lord is that offering to me… to you.  He wants me to run to His body and feed on Him daily.  That’s all that matters.  That everyone would find life and life abundantly from the true source.  “This is eternal life that they would KNOW you the only true God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent” (John 17).   As my tears slowly subsided I found myself again declaring, “Lord, I want to “KNOW you and to make you KNOWN.  Please provide more grace to live so sold out to you that things matter so little to me.”  As I said this, the song by Casting Crowns called “Thrive” came on.  I was in awe as I really listened to the lyrics of that song.  He was answering me.

Thrive

Here in this worn and weary land


Where many a dream has died


Like a tree planted by the water


We never will run dry

So living water flowing through


God, we thirst for more of You


Fill our hearts and flood our souls with one desire

Just to know You and to make You known


We lift Your name on high.  
Shine like the sun, make darkness run and hide
.  We know we were made for so much more than ordinary lives.  
Its time for us to more than just survive.  
We were made to thrive

Into Your word, were digging deep
, To know our Father’s heart


Into the world, were reaching out, To show them who You are

Joy unspeakable, faith unsinkable


Love unstoppable, anything is possible

How He used this Haiti trip, this reality and even now my own frailty to simply break me to this point of feeling Him so tenderly.  We spoke the whole 4 hours, with the last hour just listening to His words through the bible I have in my car on cd.  No cell phone, no snack, no person, no stop, would allure me from the sweet presence that He had reclaimed.   Not only in my car but, more importantly on His fresh, clean throne seat of my tender heart.