I've spent some considerable time in quiet solitude, probably more than I ever have actually. In this time I find myself pressing more into God then usual. Not just reading or studying but BEING with Him. Speaking, dialoguing, learning, loving, listening, watching, observing, etc... Truly the fellowship of the Holy Spirit is so incredibly sweet unfortunately we don't really immerse in it as we are so often distracted by the many things in our days. But wow... I find my dreams, my thoughts, the way He teaches me something as we watch from a distance and then confirms it the next day in His word, just leaves me baffled. I don't know whether to cry or laugh sometimes?
I simply say this, as I've realized more than ever in these past few months... He really doesn't NEED me. He doesn't NEED MY ministry, MY efforts to accomplish anything, He doesn't NEED me to do anything really.... this has been humbling, incredibly. But in my letting go... He has given me more of the greatest gift that He's longed to give me and wants to give each of us, the gift of HIS presence. You see... HE DESIRES ME. Just desires ME... to BE with Him. My undivided attention, to be HIS. In this, together, the delight He gives, I have nothing on earth I can compare with. When I speak and listen to Him more than any other media source, or other opinion I find myself taking on His thinking, His ways, His way of speaking, His priorities and more than that I find myself falling more in love with Him. My heart has never longed for heaven more than it does in this very moment. I long for my faith to become sight and to behold the perfection of beauty in His gaze that melts me instantly and all things that once were meaningful become meaningless. When the ache of my heart's longing is finally forever fulfilled.. I can't even imagine!
Look at anyone who encounters God or even heavenly spiritual beings (angels) and how nothing else matters but they are left in awe! From Moses for 40 days undisturbed, unmoved but basking in the glory of God's presence on Mount Sinai. Isaiah in his awestruck wonder as he falls before the throne in awe and feeling so unworthy. Or John in Revelation falls in bewilderment as one dead, until the Lord places His hand on him and tells him not to be afraid (Rev 1:17) I could go on, but you know it.
Sadly I find more than ever, we seem wrapped up with things that are so meaningless... and yet there is a spiritual kingdom, a spiritual world that is called ETERNITY in which we ought to be focused on.
So what ought to be my focus? While I am here on earth for such a short time, my desire is to redirect so many to the glory of our Lord. How? By releasing the glory that He gives to me when we are fresh in relationship. That the overflow of our LOVE relationship would simply spill to onlookers everywhere.
To just allow OUR relationship to be so real in every aspect of my life that people KNOW I am zealous for my Lord. From my family, to my finances, to even how I deal with problems and situations arise, to my presence and encountering with strangers, children, etc. When you are truly smitten by something in life it becomes your priority and everything around it points to that.
I was reminded of this simply in the story of the widow who gave only 2 coins into the offering (Mark 12:41) and though many would judge her, Jesus used her to teach his very own disciples from a distance that she had given out of her poverty. She gave all she had to live on. This fascinated me. Here this woman was simply in love with her God. To give all she had she trusted no on more than Him and she proved it silently but faithfully as she gave her offering that week. She just a had a relationship with Him that was true and HER PRIORITY. She wasn't preaching, or making a big fuss about it all, she just loved Him.
Now the part that really intrigued as I meditated on it was that Jesus was using this poor little woman that the world would shove aside to teach the 12 great disciples! Wow... can you imagine? I want to live a life that the Lord could use me as an example to others of how I love Him. I have so far to go, but that is my desire.
The last thought He left me with was this. "Carrie, I never addressed that woman publicly. She never knew in that moment I was using her to teach my 12. Remember that. For it is in the unseen things that I often can bring glory to myself. Keep your head down and focus simply on US and I will do the rest. I love you.... (i am overcome even now as i write this and tears stream down my face....)"
I feel physically I have nothing right now... and yet in my heart I have never felt more loved in my life. I long to be in the arms of the one that held them open on the cross for me. To kiss the hands that took those harsh nails for me... for me,,,, Oh Lord... you are my beloved.
May my tears that spill all over my face be offered to you even this morning as a token of my love and deep admiration....
There is none like you. none.
sigh...
c
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